i'm mostly posting this for myself, because i'm excited about moving in a new direction, or at least finding my footing. all my thinking happens at night. it's 1:08am, and my mind is becoming clear.
still struggling with my job and feeling kind of hopeless. the other week i was trying to sleep and it literally felt like i couldn't breathe. i felt suffocated. which is true. i was talking to some friends the other night over dinner and i found the perfect analogy for my life right now. i feel like a hamster in a wheel in a glass cage. i'm running, taking a lot of effort to run and run, but i'm not getting anywhere. the glass represents something else. the additional problem is that i've been thinking and thinking over the past 6 months, probably longer, but can't come up with anything else that i could do (job-wise) that would make me happy.
so tonight i thought- let's start from scratch. i thought of my childhood. what i liked to do, what fascinated me. fashion was of interest only as a hobby or as a side feature to the main course. my true passion was visual art, history and ancient cultures, and biology fascinated me. yet somehow i ended up here, doing what i do. i liked fashion school because i was working with my hands- creating things. although it annoyed me at the time, i think pattern making was my favorite, because i liked to think analytically about how i would construct things. sometimes i would just sit in my chair staring into space while the pattern pieces spun around in my head, slowly working out and coming together. though at the time i enjoyed the sewing part more. my job has nothing to do with either, and i think that is where the disconnect is for me. but i don't think i would enjoy or get joy from making patterns for a living, or sewing. when it all boils down the part of fashion i enjoy the most is the retail aspect. i will end the analysis of my fashion-related passions there.
as i said, i was starting from scratch. i pictured myself as a curious high-school student, and i went on ubc's website and just started clicking all the subjects that sounded interesting: anthropology, applied plant and soil sciences, art history, archaeology, architecture, atmospheric sciences, etc.
going back to school would be both scary and exciting. scary because i would lose some of the comforts that i currently have, like a decent salary that allows me to travel and buy clothing i like, not to mention figuring out how the hell i would pay for tuition and living expenses, but i think the payoffs would be much greater.
i'm just musing here (i have many more fields to think about and explore), but atmospheric science and astrobiology sounds fascinating. on my last business trip i picked up an issue of national geographic- 'are we alone' searching for planets that can sustain life. i always buy national geographic to read on the plane. i know it might sound sci-fi, but this shit is real. the searching for other 'earths' that is. i think the article was the most fascinating thing i've read all year. my mind was totally blown and i want to find out and learn more.
i don't want to sound trite, but i also want to do something with a positive impact.
anyway, this post is to remind myself not to give up searching, not to settle, and make things happen instead of complaining. complaining will get you nowhere. nobody is going to fix your life for you. nobody is going to say 'i have the perfect job that will make you happy forever and ever' and give it to you. you have to do it yourself. nothing will get handed to you. if you don't ask you never know. you will never get something you don't ask for. (that was me talking to myself)
